Talking to Professionals Who Do Not Understand Neurodivergence: Scripts, Red Flags, and When to Walk Away
Many autistic, ADHD, AuDHD and other neurodivergent adults reach out for help because they are overwhelmed, burned out or confused by their experience.
Then they meet a doctor, therapist, or assessor who says things like:
💬 “Everyone is a little autistic”
💬 “Have you tried just focusing more”
💬 “You look fine to me”
Instead of leaving with support, you leave with more doubt and shame.
This article is about navigating professionals who do not really understand neurodivergence. We will look at:
- how to notice whether someone is genuinely ND informed
- red flags that signal you may not be safe or well supported
- simple scripts you can use in the room
- when it is worth trying to educate and when it is more protective to walk away
🧠 Why Many Professionals Still Miss Neurodivergence
It can be confusing to meet a doctor or therapist who seems caring yet does not understand ND realities. There are some structural reasons for this.
Many training programs have:
📚 Very little content about autism and ADHD in adults
👦 A focus on childhood presentations based mostly on boys
🧩 A strong focus on visible difficulties rather than masked or internal ones
🧪 Old research that frames ND traits mainly as deficits rather than differences
On top of that, most systems are:
⏰ Time pressured
📋 Focused on ticking diagnostic criteria rather than hearing the whole story
📉 Oriented around crisis rather than early support
So a professional may be kind and skilled in some ways yet still use outdated ideas such as:
🌫 “Autistic people do not make eye contact at all”
🌫 “ADHD is just being hyper and not finishing tasks”
Knowing this does not excuse poor treatment, but it can reduce the sense that you are strange for not feeling understood.
🧭 First Filter: Questions to Ask Yourself After a Few Sessions
Sometimes you only know whether someone is ND aware after you have met them a couple of times. It can help to ask yourself:
🪞 “Do I feel basically believed when I describe my experience”
🪞 “Do they treat my sensory and energy limits as real, or as excuses”
🪞 “Do I leave sessions feeling clearer and more grounded, or more confused and ashamed”
🪞 “Do they ever say they do not know and show willingness to learn, or do they always explain me away”
If your answer is mostly “no they do not believe me” or “I leave feeling smaller”, that is already useful information.
🚩 Common Red Flags When Professionals Do Not Get ND
There is no perfect list, but certain patterns show up again and again in stories from ND adults.
🎭 Red Flag One
They focus on how you look, not how you experience things
Examples:
💬 “You seem very social”
💬 “You make eye contact so you cannot be autistic”
💬 “If you can hold a job, it cannot be ADHD”
This ignores masking, effort and context. It treats your presentation as more real than your reality.
You might respond internally with:
💭 “They are looking at the mask, not at the cost of wearing it.”
🧱 Red Flag Two
They minimise or argue with your difficulties
Examples:
💬 “Everyone finds work stressful”
💬 “Lots of people hate bright lights or noise”
💬 “Maybe you are just sensitive and overthinking things”
Normalisation can be helpful when used carefully. When it is used to dismiss your lived limits, it is not helpful. It tells your nervous system you are on your own.
🧊 Red Flag Three
They frame everything as mindset or motivation
Examples:
💬 “If you tried harder you could organise yourself”
💬 “You just need to be more positive and stop labelling yourself”
💬 “You are choosing to avoid things you find difficult”
This ignores executive function, sensory overload, and burnout. It makes moral judgments about patterns that are rooted in brain and body differences.
🧪 Red Flag Four
They ignore or reject ND language and frameworks
Examples:
💬 “I do not believe in self diagnosis” said with contempt
💬 “Autism is over diagnosed these days”
💬 “Labeling yourself will only make things worse”
Healthy curiosity about labels is fine. Disdain for ND concepts usually signals that the person is not safe to trust with your more vulnerable experiences.
🧨 Red Flag Five
They treat meltdown, shutdown or burnout as drama or manipulation
Examples:
💬 “You are having a tantrum” when you describe meltdowns
💬 “You are being avoidant” when you talk about shutdown
💬 “You are lazy or resistant” when you describe burnout
This shows a lack of basic understanding about capacity limits and nervous system overload. It is unlikely to change quickly without a lot of work on their side.
🧴 Early Green Flags: Signs Someone Might Be ND Aware
Green flags do not guarantee a perfect fit, but they are promising.
You may notice that they:
🌱 Ask about sensory experiences, not just thoughts and behaviour
🌱 Are curious about your masking, effort and internal experience
🌱 Use language like “nervous system” and “capacity” rather than only “compliance” and “motivation”
🌱 Are willing to say “I am not an expert on autism and ADHD in adults, but I would like to understand more”
🌱 Do not panic or become defensive if you mention self diagnosis or late recognition
These signs suggest that even if their knowledge is incomplete, they might be able to grow with you rather than against you.
🧾 Scripts You Can Use Inside the Appointment
It is completely valid to sit quietly and just observe. If you have some energy for it, you can also use simple scripts to test how responsive the professional is.
You do not have to memorise them. You can bring them written down and read them if that helps.
💬 Script One
Clarifying that your outer presentation is not the whole story
You could say:
💬 “I understand I may look like I am coping, but internally this costs me a lot. I would like us to focus on how much effort it takes rather than only how it appears from the outside.”
If they respond with curiosity, that is a good sign. If they dismiss this, that is information.
💬 Script Two
Bringing in sensory and nervous system language
You could say:
💬 “A lot of my difficulties are related to sensory overload and my nervous system feeling constantly on edge. Is that something you are familiar with, and can we include it in how we talk about my situation”
If they say yes and ask questions such as “What kind of sensory input is hardest for you” that is useful. If they wave it away, that is a red flag.
💬 Script Three
Asking directly about their ND experience
You could say:
💬 “Can you tell me how familiar you are with autism and ADHD in adults, especially for people who mask a lot or were diagnosed late”
A good response sounds like:
💬 “I have some experience in this area and I am still learning. Here is what I do know, and here is where I might need to read more.”
A less helpful response sounds like:
💬 “Autism is mainly seen in children”
or
💬 “ADHD in adults is mostly about stress and lifestyle”
💬 Script Four
Naming what does not work for you
You could say:
💬 “Advice that focuses only on trying harder or being more positive has not worked for me in the past. I am looking for support that takes my sensory and executive limits seriously.”
If they adjust, that is hopeful. If they double down on the same advice, the fit is probably poor.
🧱 Setting Boundaries When Advice Is Harmful
Sometimes you cannot immediately leave a professional. You might be in a system with limited options, or you may need a prescription that only this person can provide for now.
You are still allowed to set limits.
🧷 You Can Say “No” to Specific Interventions
For example:
💬 “I am not comfortable with that approach. I would like to explore other options.”
💬 “This type of homework tends to make me burn out. Can we find something smaller or different”
You do not have to justify every detail. A simple statement of what you can and cannot do is enough.
🧷 You Can Redirect the Focus
If they keep returning to unhelpful angles, you can try:
💬 “The main problems I want us to focus on are burnout and overload. Can we stay with those instead of going back to my supposed lack of motivation”
This tests whether they can respect your priorities.
🧷 You Can Limit What You Share
If a professional repeatedly invalidates you, it may be safer to share only what is necessary to receive the minimal support you came for.
You might think of it as:
💭 “Using this service for blood tests or prescriptions, not for emotional understanding.”
This is not ideal and it is not your fault. It is a survival strategy inside a mismatched system.
🚪 When It Is Time to Walk Away
Sometimes the most protective choice is to leave and look for someone else, even if that means a gap in support for a while.
It may be time to walk away when:
🧨 You leave sessions feeling consistently worse about yourself
🧨 They insist your ND identity is the problem rather than the environment
🧨 They pressure you to drop aids that clearly help you such as stimming, headphones or schedules
🧨 They ignore or minimise clear statements about suicidal thoughts, self harm risk or severe burnout
🧨 They become defensive or angry when you bring up concerns about their approach
Leaving does not mean you failed. It means you recognised that your nervous system and safety matter.
🔍 Looking for Better Fit Professionals
Finding ND aware professionals can take time. Some possible routes include:
🌐 ND led or ND informed directories in your region
📨 Asking local ND communities, peer groups or online spaces for recommendations
🏥 Checking whether any clinics explicitly mention autism or ADHD in adults on their websites
📚 Looking for signs that they use current language such as autistic adults, AuDHD, sensory regulation, executive function
When you contact a new professional, you can use a short message such as:
💬 “I am an autistic and or ADHD adult experiencing burnout and sensory overload. Do you have experience working with adults like me, and what does your approach look like”
Their answer will already tell you quite a lot.
🧩 If You Are Currently Stuck With a Non ND Aware Professional
Maybe you cannot change right now. Maybe there is a waiting list or you live in an area with very few options. You are not without tools.
Some possibilities:
🌱 Use this professional for only what they can safely offer, such as medication management, referrals, or tests
🌱 Seek understanding and practical ND framing from other sources, such as ND communities, books and ND informed content
🌱 Keep a private record of your own patterns, triggers and supports so your reality does not get overwritten by their story about you
You might remind yourself:
💭 “This person does not define what is true about my brain. They are one point of contact inside a much bigger journey.”
🌈 Bringing It Together
Talking to professionals who do not understand neurodivergence can be draining and sometimes retraumatising.
You are allowed to:
🌱 notice red flags and green flags
🌱 ask direct questions about their knowledge and approach
🌱 protect your energy by setting boundaries or stepping away
🌱 look for spaces where your ND reality is assumed and respected, not treated as an inconvenience
Your experiences are real even if one professional does not recognise them.
You are not difficult for needing ND informed care. The system is behind, and you are meeting the edges of that delay.
Every time you choose a little more safety and a little less self blame in these encounters, you are already doing powerful self advocacy.
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